June 7

I was going to send my brother a text about to a new lonely island movie about 2 baseball players he liked as a kid. Then I remembered that we never really texted. Hes been dead so long ago, during the era before 24/7 cell phones.

June 8

Completing my MA was a good distraction from being a mom. A baby came out of my body. I am the only person responsible for this human. Being a mother was terrifying. I was scared to be left alone with her, feeling incompetent and ignorant I knew it would be my fault if anything happened to her and how could I possibly live with that knowledge if anything did happen. An MA required so much of my mental attention that I couldn't dwellntoo much on those thought. I didnt even realize I had those latent thoughts until now.

June 14

I remember thinking it was so sad that you couldnt see the northern lights in Calgary. All the light from the city drowned them out.

I saw mom the other day. She was talking about one of her cousin's self esteem, saying when someone cheats on you it really hurts your self esteem, she said she knows cause it happened to her. I said oh, who cheated on you? Well! Dave did of course, was her exasperated reply.

Dave? My step dad? Mom is not one to hide her feelings so i was genuinely surprised at her response. This cant be true, or else she wouldve mentioned it before. My next reaction was, is this my fault? Did I tell her information about his ex that made her think that? Or did she just create the whole story, debby-style to sell everyone on her story to make herself look like more of a victim? That has to be it. Just when I think she is doing alright, there is another wtf moment.

Why does Debby's need and actions for sympathy directly result in an immediate feeling of guilt for me?

None of that is my fault. She is a lot less crazy these days. It's probably cause she is old now. Although inthough oddness equaled crazy I've met more old people now and most of them are not crazy.

June 27

And then it occurred to her, all those seemingly random relationships she had made over the years, across continents were not random at all. This was what they were for, this moment. Is this what Jesus felt like? That he knew how all the pieces fit together  and what the image would turn out to look like. Smiling cause you know it's all going to work out.

I could barely see 3 months ahead of me when I was younger. Now I can actually see 10 years ahead

July 4

When I would go 'home' during university breaks, which wasnt often since I worked 30 hours a week, my parents, by that time newly divorced would overshadow whatever cool news I had to tell them with whatever weird shit they were now into- a younger partner, braces, motorcycle, karaoke, whatever...i would leave exhausted from hearing about thier new lives too busy to hear about mine.

I wont do that. I will be uninteresting and bland as porridge so I can absorb everything she needs to share with me.

July 9

I remember the first time I went to Montreal, thinking wow this is really fucking beautiful! It was. So different from Calgary  why didnt anyone tell me? It felt like my own secret. I only spent a few hours,m during a stop over between nova Scotia and Ontario. Most of the hours were spent walking to Schwartz deli and basically retracing mordecai richler's possible steps, as I had just finished reading the apprenticeship of duddy kravitz while listening to the stars and arcade fire, basically getting culturally pumped up for my foray into a new kind of canadianess experience. 

Reading a book about a city before going there is like watching a movie high. You can feel that you've been to this place but you are confused on how this is happening given that you also rationally understand that you have never been there before this moment

July 21

The summer is chaotic. There are no rules or order. It's the time to shake up the schedule so that you embrace the newfound stability and predictability when fall comes around.

Aug18

I just found out that a man named Chris Sarrica, former Marine during the Iraq invasion and subsequent employee of Blackwater has committed suicide. We dated in South Sudan, he was in between being a crossfit coach and head of his own private security firm in florida, after we parted ways.everyone said he was a bad guy. He seems like he should be a bad guy. He is a bad guy. But no one is ever just one thing and Chris was insecure, hungry for affection and deep down very sweet, you could see it in his eyes when he smiled if you looked hard enough. We really connected and I followed through even though I knew we were too similar and would destroy each other.

I wish I could say we stayed friends after we both left Juba, him to see his kids in New Jersey and me to see my baby in nova scotia. We didnt, because his friend Mike, a former Ranger, raped me because of some fucked up rivalry the two of them had. I didnt say anything and mike, who was in charge of expat security made sure to hold that over me until I left. So I told myself it didnt happen and I believed it didnt happen until 5 years later and until now.

Aug 29

A former colleague of mine sent me a fb message to let me know my former business partner, steve dimolo ashers, had been found dead in his home.

Sept 10

I sometimes get this overpowering thought that I'm not good enough at anything, for anyone. As a parent, as a partner as a worker at these times I look around myself and feel sorry for the people who have to rely on me cause they will be deeply disappointed.

I feel disappointing. Inflicting and spreading my affliction on others like a contagion, helpless to stop it.

At these low points I know i make poor decisions. Craving some acceptance from anyone willing to overlook this awfulness about me.

When I'm no longer in this frame if mind I will lift my head up and look around me, realizing Ichoose the wrong people to be around. They werent looking out for me but taking advantage of my poor assessment of self, which of course can make them feel like bigger, better people.  I dont fault them for this, we all develop coping mechanisms and this is one of them.

The two men in my life who recently died were both there for me when I felt the worst about myself. When I felt not good enough. My grieving process for them is recognizing that in myself along with the pattern of  self-harm that perpetuates it. There is harm in reaching out to people when you feel awful about yourself and misery loves company.

Oct 7

Sorry to dump all this on you. I attempted suicide twice at onelisa's age and no one really noticed. I would feel so guilty if I didnt do something when I know I could have.

My heart hurts for her.

Rana is so worried about her. It reminded me of a feeling I would get when something bad was happening to Justin. One of my earliest memories is him eating some of our dad's medication and effectively dying in front of my eyes. Then visiting him in a hospital crib after his stomach was pumped. He was so small and bluish. With a lot of hair. I dont want rana to worry like that ever. It's a sick feeling.

Likezo's phone call took me back to conversations with my mother, which were less conversations and more of her forcing me to admit guilt for something I had no idea she was talking about. Admitting to bad things I didnt know took place. Beating me verbally into submission.

Oct 10

I only get your attention when you need mine 😔

Nov 12

Did I tell you, i did an omar Bashir impression at a dinner party in Khartoum?

What if depression is an infection, or gene manipulation to control the population? By robbing people of thier motivation.

Nov 20

Living abroad is like accidentally ending up at a party with strangers and having the best night of your life.

Nov 22

She reminded me of Granny from Sylvester and tweety.

A poem:

PEI Summer

Rainy day

Chair at window

Birds in tree

Book in lap

Chai in hand

Eyes on drops 

Socks for comfort.

Bonobo in ears

December 14th

Still summer notes 

There is what appears to be an Afrikaners motorcycle gang living across from us.i have honestly never been more frightened from looking at a group of people than now. Mbuy took Rana to a campground for the day and forgot to close the gate. When I finally get ahold of him the gate has been open for a few hours and I'm pretty high. The gate is only the first line of defence in this neighborhood and some of the houses even have 2 gates. Steel, electrical gates attached to an electrified concrete fence., 2 gates 2 fences. The second line of defence are the butler doors. Every door, there are doors to the outside in almost every one of the 5 bedrooms and 2 bathrooms, has a locked steel gate on it and then a wooden locked door behind it.there is a steel, alarmed safe door that separates the bedrooms and bathrooms from the living room, play room, dining room and kitchen. The house is alarmed and there is an armed guard truck on the corner of a street where traffic is so rare that the crickets drown out the sound of the TV at night.

Do Mathula and Helen know their neighbors are potentially part of a white supremacist group? These great lengths of implementing security system now make sense, now that the gate is open. But I suspect it's not white supremacists the rest of the neighbors are concerned about.

Jan 12th 2020

I was hoping this past trip to South Africa would help her be emotionally at ease. It has done the exact opposite

It's a hard lesson for her,  That he will choose anyone else over her😥

What a terrible truth to know

I just feel like I really fucked this up for her. Like this could be her super villian moment.

As weird as this sounds, I'm going to probably spend the rest of the afternoon having a good cry. I dont cry in front of my kid so I've been holding back a lot. It's nice to have some space and time to myself to let it go.

I am in DC, well Arlington. in a hotel room booked by my lover/soulmate. its about 20 degreess outside and I have been having an amazing time with him. 2 days and nights of sex, movies, helping him with writing, reading  novel, listening to music, driving to pick up food at his favourite spot, HipHop Chicken, pizza at his favourite place, talking and cuddling naked and holding hands while he falls asleep with his aspirator on.  this is so romantic and I love it. however, my depression and low feelings of self worth keep creeping in and ruining things for me. He went to see Erykah Badu in December but didnt tell me? why wouldnt he share that with me? but I dont share everything with him, so why should I expect that? why wont he add me as a friend on facebook? is he embarrased of me or not want me checking in on him? I mean i don't use facebook much either and I don't want to rub it in his face that I see other guys so he is probably doing the same thing, right? we both want to stay inside and be naked together alone since we dont get to spend very much time together. I dont know if its me and my depressive thoughts about life generally at the moment that are ruining this form me. I need to get out of my own way so I can FULLY enjoy these moments together. Then I start to feel guilty for being here and not at home with Rana. then I start to feel overwhelmed with sadness at how much I debt I have right now and the way I let my boss treat me and having to be the dumbest person in the room. my job is making me sad. I am making myself sad. I cant eat cause the lump in my throat is taking up too much space and eveytime i do eat I get sick. tea will slide pass the lump. ill feel better if i eat or excercise or anything but my soul feels to tired to move. Im worried he is going to be annoyed at me for being needy. i'm worried he will replace me even thought there is no indication he will, we have known each other for 3 years now. I want to be closer to him but I know I cant. I want to marry him but then remind myself that I dont want that at all im just worried about losing someone who makes me happy. I need to pull myself together. stop thinking about stupid Mbuy and Frank and how easy I am to be underappreciated and that is my own damn fault. am i doing it again Am I right now setting myself up for disappointment and heartbreak? I probably am but how can I be sure? just relax. be patient. enjoy the small moments. drink the tea and you might actually be hungry if you keep putting the pistachios in my mouth. dont feel like you are burdening him with your thoughts and fears. if he is in fact your soulmate he will understand and he does. he has the same feelings and over commitments to others who don't appreciate his efforts. He thinks Im smart and sexy and brave and amazing. he has told and he has showed me. but maybe i need more. maybe i need him to publicy declare it. will that make me feel more secure? probably not. feeling secure has to come from within. so sip the tea until you can put a mouthful of food in. dont ask for too much, becasue you might get it and not be ready for it.

Jan 18

• Write a children's book about a female spy based on myself.

Jan 28

I am using myself as a research subject to test the limits of society. What is tolerable and intolerable and the consequences for breaking norms 

June 6 2020

For awhile it felt like we really had each others back. That was love. I was 100% committed. I thought he was too. I even think he believed it too. He just didnt have the capacity to have my back. I probably didnt either since I was so busy taking care of our baby that I barely had my own back. It was heartbreaking that he didnt have my back at all when we needed him. In hindsight I think I was trying to replace my brother. But in reality it's hard to find that kind of intense sinking relationship. 

August 8

Start the book with me listening and singing along to "Murder was the case" on a discman. Its 7am in the middle of the winter so it's dark. I'm walking about 2k through our newly developed golf course neighborhood to catch my bus to George MacDougall high school where I am a 10th grader. Snoop Dogg always helps me focus on keeping pace so I dont miss the bus, if I'm listening to snoop I'm a bit late. Because it's dark I can sing and dance to the music too cause no one can see! I got to get rid of my personality before I get to school, just to fade in the background a bit. Only 3 more years then I'm out of this shithole town.

Sometime when I feel that someone is disrespectfully speaking to me I will internally reassure myself of my valuable experience on this earth. I mean I've been to fucking Sri Lanka for a holiday in an eco resort. I can confidentially say not many other people I grew up with could say that and that's something. Since most of them wouldnt know what a Sri lanka even is.

August 11th. 

I feel like I finally found someone worthy of knowing me.

August 18th

The book is going to be about love! That's how all the stories are connected. Justin, rana, mbuy, frank, kathryn, Cairo, likezo, naledi

Sept 29

I feel like my life is a series of short stories. Some of them connect but some of them do not, or it's difficult to see how they would.

Oct 26

Dear Kaykai,

I was thinking about the Halloween your man took the kids out trick or treating at the Russian princess's house down the street. When we started to fall in love. That time is such a happy memory for me, for the both of us at this home anyway. I know your kids feel the same, our kids. We were such a great team, you and I- me always being too soft and you always being too hard, either way they could never complain about a lack of attention! They could complain about  lot of other things though, that's why neither of us looked each other in the eyes when we became aware of the other's presence at OR Tambo and then again on the flight to Schiphol. We managed to only cross each other's paths once during that whole tedious layover. By the time we were headed to Montreal I was too tired to focus on anything beyond the screen in front of me and the tray on top of me. I remember seeing you again at PE Trudeau and smiling and nearly waving, too tired to remember our silent pact of nonexistent. It killed me to not talk to the kids. Only stolen glances and shy smiles. 

No matter how it turned out between the two of you, she knows that someone stood up for her and someone was on her side. Everyone needs that, especially teenage girls. 

Jan 7,

Love is

Being at my best

Most authentic self

Exchanging lifeforce

With my Signifigant Other

Eyes locked

Breath synced

Death

Renewal

July 7, 2021: A sense of home might be hard for you to find at the moment. Maybe you wouldn’t be terribly bothered by this rootlessness on your own, but someone close to you could be pushing you to commit to something more secure. Start your search by looking at what has historically been reliable in your life. You might discover that the one constant that has stuck with you throughout everything is your own commitment to adventure. Keep this in mind when you’re ready to build your new foundation.